You know I can speak in tongues, right? And I can interpret tongues as well.
Unfortunately, I can only speak and interpret one language: Pulpit-pimp, the unofficial language spoken by those men and women who stand behind the pulpit Sunday after Sunday, telling you that if you give them your hard earned dollars, God will bless you with riches unimagined.
As you know, recently, Creflo Dollar (aka Cashflow Dollar) let the world know he wants a brand new jet. But not just any jet. He wants a G650, the top of the line, I would sell my grandmama to get it, business jet. And he wanted to get it paid from through a group funding website. After the firestorm of outrage, he retracted to request and waited for things to quiet down.
Later, the World Changers came out with a statement letting the world know that they are still going to get the jet, the G650 that is now going for almost $70 million.
To show you how my gift of interpretation of tongues works, I’m going to interpret what World Changers said in in their native pulpit-pimp into English.
The board came out with a statement addressing the intent to purchase the jet. They said, in P-P tongues:
“It is our belief that this ministry is called to serve people globally — to literally change the world according to the Great Commission — and our infrastructure and operational plan reflect the worldwide nature of that assignment. Our pastors share the gospel of Jesus more than 300 times per year — in churches, arenas, venues, convention centers, stadiums and other facilities across the entire planet — and are committed to aggressive travel schedules that cannot be fulfilled via any means other than private aircraft,”
Here is the interpretation of tongues:
“We do a whole lot of traveling to make sure the suckers that follow us are always willing to give us more money. Our plan to work this scam requires we be able to travel all over the world…a lot. Going through commercial airlines just takes too long and would keep us from getting from cash cow to cash cow as quickly as we want to.”
Then the “board” goes on to say:
“A long-range, high-speed, intercontinental jet aircraft is a tool that is necessary in order to fulfill the mission of the ministry. In light of an unfortunate accident that recently resulted in the ministry’s aircraft being declared a total loss, it is our intention to purchase another airplane at a time, place and price of our choosing,”
Then they said:
“We plan to acquire a Gulfstream G650 because it is the best, and it is a reflection of the level of excellence at which this organization chooses to operate. We, the World Changers family, so value the lives, the safety and the well-being of our pastors and leaders that we wish to provide to them the best air travel experience possible,”
“We’ve convinced people that flash and bling are evidence of God’d blessing. There ain’t nothing blingier than a G650. So get out of our faces before we sick our mindless followers on you.”
Finally, World Changers said the following:
“We understand that others may interpret biblical truths differently — the freedom to worship as one chooses is a fundamental hallmark of a free society — but we wish to assert our God-given right to practice what we believe. This is our faith, the very basis for what we believe, and it is not necessary that we justify it.”
Which of course translates to:
“We know the sheeple who follow us are too stupid to see how grossly we twist the Scriptures to our own benefit. So shut up already, because the more we talk about it, the more likely it becomes that some of the Creflo Captives (or as we call them “the Craptives) might actually start thinking. Then we would be totally screwed. And Pastor wouldn’t have an airplane.”
Please! Don’t bother to thank me. It was a pleasure to be able to help you through the use of my gift of interpretation of tongues. I just wish I had more of an opportunity to help the Body of Christ in this manner.